


What you've always known

by Devilinthebox (princegrisejoie)



Category: Death Note
Genre: (no pun intended), Body Image, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Yotsuba Arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 04:59:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3314987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princegrisejoie/pseuds/Devilinthebox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Light comforts L about his body image. L tries to put distance but needs the comfort. He lets some defenses down (Request)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What you've always known

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Majora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Majora/gifts).



> Request for Ladytective on tumblr. Also dedicated to the lovely Americans ;) I hope I don't disappoint, I wrote this in three hours. Couldn't resist. Sorry for the slight angsty ending, but hey it's Lawlight.

“When do you believe you’ll be ready?”

They have their rituals, now. Light doesn’t mind sharing a bathroom anymore. He never truly did, actually. Thinking about it, he wonders why. He had trouble sharing a table for lunch, back in highschool. He complied with so many things that revolted him and always with a polite smile.

”In a minute”, Light says, reaching for a white tight-fitted shirt. He is rather proud of his choice.

L doesn’t seem to care.  “Kira might have killed fifty people by then.”

He rolls his eyes, sighs – details Light can’t miss. The mask L wears as Ryûzaki is one of impassiveness. Oh, he doesn’t really lower his defenses when they’re alone in the bedroom. Or perhaps just a bit. Light doesn’t judge him for that: it would be purely inhuman and unhealthy never to show even a glimpse of his true face.

His thoughts are dangerously sliding towards Kira. He turns his head, meeting L’s eyes.

“Light-kun, I insist you put on this shirt now. Kira is not going to wait for you to choose the perfect outfit”

Light frowns, his cheeks turning pink. ”You are unbelievable. You let him run free for months, and you’re accusing me –”

”Don’t take it so seriously.”

”I will take it seriously if I want to.”

L eyes him like he’s just met him and can’t figure out how he works just yet. How many beings possess the power to surprise L months after he’s seen them for the first time?

“You know, I was starting to get used to us – to the chains,” Light continues. There is something touching in the way he insists on saying chains, not handcuffs.

“Wonderful. Really, good for you," L teases and Light feels something bitter stirring in his stomach. It shouldn’t be that painful. L is not looking at him. Perhaps that’s why he allows himself to add: “You know we will have to take them off, eventually?”

“I wasn’t finished. Listen, I apologize if I come off as harsh, but it needs to be -“

“Oh, Light-kun, you’re incapable of rudeness. It’s just not in your –“

“Let me talk! “

L’s grey eyes widen.

“Alright," he finally says, his voice notably lower and quieter, “Oh, put on your shirt first, maybe? “

Light detects a hint of unease in his tone and can’t help but be proud of that achievement. He buttons his shirt wondering how to reiterate the feat fully clothed, this time.

L motions Light to sit with him on the side of the bed.

“Come, tell me.”

It’s strange how much wider that bed seems in daylight. How did he even manage to fall asleep his head rested on L’s shoulder that other day?

For a minute, Light forgets what he has to say. He feels L’s look lingering on him. He breathes and remembers.

“It’s as if you don’t want me to at least…appreciate the good sides of it.” He looks down at the handcuffs. L is still observing him silently. Deciding how to answer Light Yagami is like playing Russian roulette – L doesn’t even consider the stakes to be lower. It’s never a simple conversation. Kira is always standing between them; he can’t hide, he smells of death and deceit. Light doesn’t. Then again, perhaps he is just wearing a sweet, honeyed perfume to hide Kira’s smell.

Light’s almond-shaped eyes meet L’s, snapping him out of his depressing musings.

 “I believe we can get along, and I don’t mind having you around," Light tells him. He is careful not to say too much. It’s obvious there is more to it.

“Wouldn’t you rather be chained to Amane?” L asks, knowing the answer.

He just wants to hear it from Light Yagami’s mouth.

“I already told you I don’t love her. I mean, she’s not even my _friend_.”

Saying this reminds Light of the holes in his memory. He swallows, his throat feeling raw with fear. He thinks it doesn’t show.  

“Amane certainly disagrees," L says pensively.  Perhaps he notices Light’s face has gone slightly pale; he pauses. ”Anyway, I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I don’t understand why you take so much time to dress. That’s all. Otherwise, I do appreciate your company.”

Light listens attentively, his eyes clouded with a strange melancholy. L tries to focus, wondering if he already tripped; said too much too soon – Kira might be pulling the strings behind Light’s back.

”I’m sure you can understand why I pay attention to the way I dress. I want to present the best part of me to the world.  I’m not saying appearances are everything. That’s just – it has always been important, to me.”

 _He’s not a puppet, he’s human,_ L thinks. He feels guilty. He considers, for just a moment, apologizing to Light.

”I suppose it’s to be expected from people like you”, he tells him instead.

”What do you mean? Ryuzaki, I am not superficial!” Light exclaims hotly, rising to his feet.

Light, who always keeps his voice level and his tone polite, set off by the assumption that he may be superficial.

Once again, L failed to predict Light’s reaction. He was easier to read before the memory loss. What does that mean? Kira is a game L will win eventually. Light Yagami is beyond his comprehension.

“That’s not what I meant”. L’s voice sounds comforting. It wasn’t scripted.

“You’re frustrating," Light sighs, “Why can’t we have a normal conversation?”

He crosses his arms, looks down at L who’s still sat on the side of their bed.

“What I mean…” L trails off. He doesn’t want to forget Kira; and then…

”You’re gorgeous,” he says, and lifts his face to stare at Light.

L might have regretted uttering those words if it wasn’t for the look of sheer embarrassment on Light’s face. For a moment, L is certain he is going to slap him – Light feels humiliated quite easily after all. He doesn’t. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. L wishes he could snap a picture of him. Maybe he doesn’t need to. He will remember this for years.

There is something terribly exciting in catching Light Yagami off-guard.

 “No wonder _you_ don’t mind standing in front of the mirror for hours.” L’s voice comes out even and it’s a miracle.

L lowers his guard; Light takes advantage of it. He clears his throat.

“…While I agree that many people would describe me as beautiful, what you’re implying is just plain wrong," Light says with a hint of irritation, as if he were trying to explain Darwinism to a religious extremist (even faced with the worst bigot, L is certain Light would swallow his tongue rather than lose his calm. It’s such a _pivotal_ part of his façade. It makes L wonder what he would look like, pushed over the edge.)

”I’m not _implying_ anything”, L protests. “It was a statement about your beauty. Which is objective. Unlike say, attractiveness.”

“You’re implying you’re not beautiful.”

Light pauses and adds, a flash of sincerity crossing his gaze. “You’re wrong. I find you beautiful.”

The last time Light’s face lit up like this, there were firm hands gripping L’s shoulders and he was desperately trying to make him believe he wasn’t Kira.

 “I think you’re a liar," is all L allows himself to answer.

 Something cold settles in Light’s stomach at that, but he ignores it.

“Now, come. I respect your father and his team, but they won’t catch Kira without us.”

L gets up and advances on the door, forcing Light to follow his steps.

“I want to talk about this!” Light exclaims.

                                               

L turns to face Light, a strange sadness in his eyes.

“There’s nothing to say, Light-kun. I have a pointy nose and long limbs. I am too pale and certainly not healthy-looking enough to please the eye. I don’t mind. You use your body as a shield. Well, as for me, I use it as weapon. I can fight, I can defend myself. “

Light nods pensively but doesn’t interrupt him. L wishes he had dared to. He is terrified of divulging too much.

“Again, this is not me criticizing you. If I looked like you, I probably would spend hours in the bathroom as well. We often say that God, or Nature, or whatever force watches over us humans…gives out its gifts _fairly_ to each of us. I am a genius, I am not beautiful. There is a balance, or so it seems. That’s an illusion of course, a comforting tale and even I started to believe in it. Seeing you here reminds me of that, because your simple existence proves this whole theory of balance and natural equality among humans wrong. I am not immune to illusions, it seems.”

Light takes a step forward and reaches for L’s hand. L doesn’t move, lets him play with his fingers ( _how thin and ghastly they look compared to Yagami’s)_

“Perhaps you’re not beautiful to everyone. Regardless, I rest my case. You know why? It’s not just that beauty is unimportant or subjective.  That’s common sense. I find you beautiful, and this is not something you can brush off. It’s not flattery.”

L raises his head; feeling Light’s heart beating rapidly. He _hopes_ it’s his and not…

“The greatest works of art are emotional, deep – and not always symmetrical or pleasing to the eye. Yet, nobody would claim they’re not beautiful, because they are. What’s so beautiful about them is the emotion they convey. Whether or not you fit in the so-called universal beauty standard is irrelevant. What matters …”

Light trails off. He closes his eyes, perhaps gathering enough courage to say:

“What truly matters it that I can’t stop looking at you. You’re intriguing, and charismatic and most importantly, you _unsettle_ me. You catch me off-guard, you move me. That’s beauty, Ryûzaki. Symmetry is luck, but that – that is beauty. “

And then, they stay silent. Time freezes. Light locks his eyes on L’s, they widen ever so slightly as he realizes what he just said.

L feels as if Light has just messed up with his mind, knocking over certainties and established facts. He unlocked something he had buried deep with L standing there, watching his principal suspect ruin years of work. He is grateful for the comfort Light offered, of course. But he feels strangely empty, also. He resents Kira for showing him Light; for playing with him. Should he resent Light for letting Kira use him? 

The last thing he fails to predict is his own reaction.

“…Thank you. I will never try to stop you from talking again," L hears himself saying.

“As for me, I will stop you if you decide to say nonsense again," Light lips curl up in a smile. “And you know what? You may be kinder than I am. “

L lifts an eyebrow. “What are you talking about? “

“You lowered your defenses for a second there, and I loved it. It was – It was soothing. I felt I finally reached you.“

“I understand. But it won’t happen again."

“Of course. If you need any comfort, though –“

L swallows. “I apologize, but no.“

“Oh," Light says. He releases L’s hand. “I understand.”

He slips on his armor of courtesies again. L watches him turn his back.

“Light," he calls out.

Light turns on his heels. He hopes L won’t ask him to talk because his throat is dry.

It’s as if he understands that, because he simply tells him: “Thank you. I needed it”

Light doesn’t answer but L knows what he is thinking. _I needed it too._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this. If you enjoyed it (or even if you didn't because it's worth it), please listen to this ? http://mellodear.tumblr.com/post/110550166496/justice-with-strawberries-based-on-a  
> JusticeWithStrawberries on tumblr is a lovely person who recorded many excerpts from my works and I am so grateful. They comment on it too and what they have to say is very interesting. :)


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